Army needs to adapt to the changing character of war with an ongoing commitment to fostering mateship and friendships. Just as war has an enduring nature, borrowing from Prussian Carl von Clausewitz, so too is there is a consistency in the quality of mateship forged in service. Us Aussies are proud of our heritage of mateship since the shores of Gallipoli and the tracks of Kokoda.

LTGEN Rick Burr introduced Good Soldiering and encouraged us to be ready to quickly and effectively form teams with new mates. Recently LTGEN Simon Stuart urged that “building of trust is our main effort” – referring to public trust but also trust in and among our teams, arguably another part of “the human face of battle” alluded to in his recent Chief of Army symposium.

The Australian Army Contribution to the National Defence Strategy contends that one of the key factors affecting Australia’s adaptation to war’s changing character is the “tyranny of distance”. Geoffrey Blainey popularised the term with The Tyranny of Distance: How distance shaped Australia’s history (1966), suggesting Australia’s history and identity including our reliance of mateship can be understood through the lens of distance and isolation. Our country is separated by huge distances the size of Europe and isolated from our main allies by vast oceans. Australian Army Contribution to the National Defence Strategy suggests, “this tyranny of distances makes sustaining military operations in the Indo-Pacific region a major challenge.” Defence is thus investing in logistics equipment and alliances to enable distant resupply.

There is another critical distance that affects Defence – especially its human face – and that is distance of relationships. Australian diggers have often had to work hard to nurture relationships at a distance. My Pop Sidney Humphreys served in the Middle East and New Guinea and came home to northern NSW on a short period of leave to marry Nana. (This is part of why stories of Kokoda and Ralph Honner inspire me). Today we have many colleagues who live apart from their Unaccompanied Resident Family (URF). Moreover, members are regularly relocated and thus separated from friends. It is a tribute to the strength of shared experience that we can pick up where we left off with old friends from previous units and courses, as well as quickly form strong bonds with new mates. Yet this can’t totally replace the familiarity and strength of regular contact and long-term friendship.

“I can go it alone” is a myth I don’t want anymore. I realise that I need friends. That sounds vulnerable but I am also learning that vulnerability is okay (thanks Brené Brown).

Brené says we all need a “move a body friend” (MABF) who can be there to help with whatever we need. She illustrates that with a story. A relative of hers had her mother visit but one day came home and found her mum drunk on the couch. She did not want her children to come home and see her like that – she would explain her mum’s alcoholism appropriately at a later time. She rang a friend and said, “I rang you because I know you would come at any time and move the body of my Mum when she was unable to move herself. I also knew you would keep that completely confidential. When I saw you the next weekend at soccer you would not look down your nose at me in any kind of judgment. You are the move a body friend I need.”

I need good mates like that. As a chaplain I aspire to that readiness and non-judgmental supportive posture. All of us do well to foster that kind of “move a body when needed” culture in our teams [within the ethical bounds of Defence values]. It can be too easy to be caught up in our own struggles that we miss signs of others struggling with something in their head or family; or from injury after a deployment; or from the after-effects of a previous toxic culture. Let’s be the mates of whom others say, “I’m glad that person is in my team, because I know they have my back and they notice when I’m not okay.”

A challenge of MABFs is the tyranny of distance when we are posted away from one another. We can mitigate this risk by preparedness to be vulnerable with and to offer support to new friends without waiting for a decade of shared experience. We can also mitigate the risk by staying in touch with long-term friends in and out of Defence.

Who are your friends? What kind of friends do we need? What kind of friend do we need to be?

I read of a tragic accident where three friends died in car crash and found themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, St. Peter asked, “When you are in your coffin and friends are mourning you, what would you like hear?” The first person replied, “That I was a great doctor of my time, and a great mother and wife.” The second said, “I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference for tomorrow’s leaders.” The third friend replied, “I’d like to hear them say …. look, he’s moving!”

It is sobering to reflect on how we want to be remembered. It’s a question that gave me pause at each mid-life crisis I have had (my wife tells me I’ve had a few). Few people, at the end of life, wish they had more time at work, more money in the bank, another degree, a bigger house. But to have enjoyed life, leaving the world a better place, and made a difference in the lives of others (i.e. been a good friend) is what many of us long for.

There is space in my journal for questions, “Who are my friends for whom I made a difference? When life gets too heavy, who do I really know and who knows me? What friends in my world take time to listen deeply when I’m facing a brick wall? Who would come running to my side (without being called) if I was in real trouble? Who can help me unload grief and anger, or address anxiety and panic, if I’m hiding that and it’s robbing my life of passion, or robbing those closest to me of my best attentiveness?”

Steve Biddulph’s The New Manhood reminded me of the importance of friendship. I acknowledge I need to move on from the factors that work against friendship, especially for us blokes: individualism, expectations about sexuality, postures of toughness, driven competitiveness. Biddulph reflects:

“Competition is the bane of men’s lives. To this day, when I sit down in a public place – beside a swimming pool, for example – I relax and feel good if there is no one else around. If another man arrives, I first run a check that he is no physical threat – that he is not about to mug me. No one has ever mugged me or hurt me since childhood, but the feeling still lives. (Women understand this reflex, for different reasons.) Then I get to assessing whether he is stronger, has better clothes or is more athletic. If he is with a woman, I look for signs that she doesn’t really like him! If the car park is within view, I check out his car for comparison with my own – a good guide to income and status, as well as taste. Even if he is friendly and a conversation starts, I consider in what light to best present myself (modestly!) – as important and successful. It’s really pretty sad, this insecure obsession with comparisons.”

Biddulph helped reschool me towards authenticity and vulnerability in friendships. I need time to hang out with close friends and take the time to unload struggles I face, compare notes on shared anxieties, and laugh out loud without masks and judgment and other relationship killers. We need mates as allies with whom we can let our guard down and get and give the most in friendship.

In a Defence context, reading The Resilience Shield reminded me that the best time to build resilience including the relationships and friendships that help shield resilience, is before compounding stressors get the better of us and ahead of times of crisis. The new Defence and DVA Wellbeing Factors similarly underlines this for me as well, including the importance of social support and connection.

The nature of war is enduring in how it is fought for political ends in violent and unpredictable ways. Our need for friendships and mateships is arguably also an enduring aspect of military life – for the sake of capability and good teaming, and the sake of life beyond Defence being worth living. As the character of conflict is changing, and we continue to grapple with exponential changes in technology and the tyranny of distance including separation from families and friends, it is critical to continually foster the social supports and connection that we all need.

Notes

**If you found any of this content distressing and would like to talk to someone, there are a variety of support services available to you:
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Open Arms: 1800 011 046
ADF Chaplaincy Services: 1300 467 425 and ask to speak to your area on-call Chaplain